Joyful Breadcrumbs- (Re)Definition of Happiness

I was depressed because my life has not been looking like my vision boards. I had a 15-year life plan on a spreadsheet that just was not manifesting the way I wrote it.

This is why I say you have to do what works for you. I was trying everything and it wasn’t working. It had never worked that way.

Then I started to let go of one set purpose I was able to let up on myself a little. When I stopped trying to look at each ex or each past lover as a harsh lesson. I would literally pour over text conversations searching for where I went wrong. People really are just people out here in this world. I’m still learning but now I just see it as one moment in time. If anything, if I’m repeating themes it’s something internal. Much of it was carrying shame, perfectionism, and idealism.

I would try to rebound from each broken hurt by leveling up. Hustle culture. (Do you know how exhausting that is?)

-The void. The emptiness. The pain-

I would find that typically these measurements were set by society. On one of my many pandemic-induced breakdowns, I decided to set my own core values. I wanted to try to use a different scale to measure.

Because in the past I would hit a goal and it would rarely satisfy. I would never feel like I did “enough”. (There’s a science to that. One of the many classes I took during the pandemic too lol)

But now I’m working on designing my own path. Setting my own expectations. Allowing myself to be a human. A human that’s still brand new to the earth in perspective of the age of our universe.

I still cry often. Still feel lonely. Pain. But I don’t feel bound to this path. I don’t feel like it’s a punishment. Crying is cleansing at times. I relieve pressure by leaning into the emotion. I am intentional about looking for love in simple ways. When I can’t, I try to forgive myself because I’m a f**king human!

To the girl crying in her room. Wondering why God hasn’t delivered her a man. Wondering why it has not worked out. To anyone wondering why they don’t seem good enough and really internalizing that you aren’t loved…

The universe is chaos technically. Stars are exploding. It’s growing. Shifting quickly. There’s opportunity in that. Just by math.

It’s not always ideal and easy. Definitely may not come when you need it. But it can change at any moment.

I find hope in that.